Day 181:Being your worst enemy

This whole blog is about becoming a DJ, or making progress of some sort in whatever chosen musical field. The whole point was both to encourage (both you and myself) to make progress by sharing information and ideas.

On a more personal level the idea was that by doing a daily blog I would then have DJing on my mind all the time, I would have a reason to do something about it everyday, and, hopefully little by little, make progress by default.

Now regulars will know that in the beginning there was the inevitable naive enthusiasm, the blind spirited gusto. This was then swiftly followed by a prompt slump. Blogging almost became a chore, it felt like I had no time, and motivation seemed a distant memory.

Then I suddenly got more free time, the production side of things started to get going and maybe a flicker of enthusiasm returned.

Little by little this has been creeping back, to the point where I actually approached someone this week who runs a venue, about holding a night. The response was positive, whilst non committal. I will need to meet with them to discuss further. This represents a potential massive leap forward in the scheme of things. Actually DJing out for a start, names on flyers, the internet etc. OK not stardom of course, but definitely a step forward, basically from actually thinking about it, to, heaven forbid, actually doing it.

Then it kicked in... the fear. FUCK this could actually be real, I might ACTUALLY have to do this. Suddenly all sorts of crushing doubts kick in, am I ready yet, what if I fail etc. The reality of thinking about playing in front of an audience making my palms sweat.

Stage fright? Pffft...

What is this all about! Why am I my own worst enemy. It's not really just on this occasion. I am aware that this same restraining force has been responsible for me not making more progress than I have. It's far far easier to just sit here, have a private mix, write about it, and think how nice it would be. But secretly I feel I have been holding myself back for the fear of failure.

Every time I have confronted this fear before, I have always come out of it completely amped, feeling amazingly liberated and happy with myself. The sense of achievement is fantastic. So why does it return time and time again?

I even decided to have a mix today to prove to myself I was being silly, that I rocked. Naturally it went horribly, everything fell out of sync, the levels all seemed way out.

Then, a few hours later, without really thinking, I put on some tunes I liked, just got into mixing them, then a few tracks down the line I realised I was having a buzzing natural mix, I didn't even really need to think about it, my fingers just seamlessly pulled the tunes in time.

What does this tell me? Well for starters I clearly lack the initial self confidence, but, when faced with a challenge, I actually perform very well (relative to what I was worrying about anyway). I have also accepted that facing your fears is the best thing you can do, the most rewarding thing you can do.

Nothing can beat that feeling of facing something that is scaring you, facing that fear, and smashing through it. The feeling of achievement and personal growth are some of the best feelings around. So much better than the cushy feeling of just meandering on, just getting by, comfort zone style.

So... I still don't know why I get that mad fear, and I hope that with some experience it will get better. Yet, strangely, I don't want it to go completely. I think a little bit of fear does you good, keeps you on your toes, gives you something to achieve.

That all said, I think I had better make this call, and see what happens. It might not come to anything, yet it could also be the start of everything... only one way to find out really.

2/365

p&&l

bang!